Special thanks!

~Special thanks to the color blue. Without you those Wal-Mart vests wouldn't look right. And I love what you did with the sky, man.~Special thanks to Magellan, De Soto and Colombus and stuff for going to look for spices and finding my home instead. The summers are working out great, guys.~Special thanks to FUBU, Bullhead, Paco, and Jinko for making jeans with like Chinese dragons on them and stuff. You've reaffirmed my belief in things so ugly that I am able to get short of breath. Oh yes, Fat Albert jeans...I almost forgot your priceless contributions.~Special thanks to Puddle of Mud for giving it the old college try. Give oblivion my love.~Special thanks to School of Rock for single-handedly destroying 2 hours of my short, precious life.~Special thanks to Unsolved Mysteries for the "Update!" on that one dude who killed that other dude. But thanks to that one dude for killing that other dude so UM could run a segment on something other than a reunion of children seperated at birth or psychic detectives.~Special thanks to Zest for rinsing away cleaner than soap and for making me ask "If you're not soap than what are you, little fella?"~Special thanks to 5th Avenue Candy Bars. I've never seen anyone else eating you. You're like my own personal candy bar. You're like my butler. They should rename you Jeeves.~Special thanks to Martin Sheen for thinking he's my President. ~Special thanks to USA Today's Money section for filling out my trash can so well everyday. You're the ironman of the trash world. ~Special thanks to the Sumerians for inventing such cool things as the wheel. George Foreman must be Sumerian. ~Special thanks to my guilty feet for having no rhythm.~Special thanks to Topanga for the hair fetish.~Special thanks to 0% APR financing. I don't know who you are but people sure do seem to like you so you must be a cool guy.~Special thanks to shark infested waters for being like, 100s of miles away from me.~Special thanks to RC Cola for always sticking in there. Listen, RC, it's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.~Heartfelt thanks to the Atlantic Ocean for keeping France way the heck over there. You go, dude. You save those whales.~Special thanks to Now and Laters candy for always being Now and never being Later.~Special thanks to Winnie Cooper. For what, I'm not sure but it's special and it's thanks.~Special thanks to Samuel L. Jackson and Tommy Lee Jones for being in every film made since 1973.~Special thanks to my cell phone # for being (000)-000-0000~Special thanks to black ball point pens for pressing down firmly. I owe my driver's liscense renewal to you and I'll never forget it. Beep Beep, bro.~Special thanks to Dave Matthews, his band and those trumpets, acoustic guitars and stuff for making music that never sounds similar.~Special thanks to the Pilgrims for being dumb enough to land here in the first place and then to be supernaturally stupid to not flee south after like, 1/2 of you died during the first winter. Scraping off my windshield is my living act of eternal thanks to you.~Special thanks to Uncle Joey from Full House for forgetting to tie a towline to his waist when he fell off the face of the Earth. Maybe the mystical creatures in the nether regions will think you're funny. No man, you cut-it-out.~Special thanks to the word 'Mississippi' for showing the letter 'M' that it doesn't have to give in to peer pressure and date around like some other letters I could mention. ~Special thanks to Old Spice High Endurance for uniting the men of the world. Now available in Original, Pure Sport, Fresh, Mountain Rush and Zombie-Like Trance.~Special thanks to Candy Corn and Marshmallow Peeps for being obligatory.~Special thanks to the 1830's and 1840's for like having nothing happen. America probably just needed a nap after running around revolting and everything. Much love to the 1890's as well.~Heartfelt thanks to Iceberg lettuce for showing that snob Romaine who's boss.~Special thanks to "your" and "you're" for having a difference. And special thanks to my generation for taking greater strides than any other before it to destroy that difference.~Special thanks to that fly on my window for living this long. You're like one of those inspirational posters or screen savers. Don't die little buddy...Why won't you eat the candy I put out for you?~Special thanks to Price Chopper for trying to sell me a 2005 dayplanner for $0.50 when they know I'd get more mileage out of 2 packs of Juicy Fruit.~Special thanks to Reading for being fundamental.~Special thanks to Steven Segal for being somewhere right now filming away at a straight-to-video.~Special thanks to my index finger for all the times it looked for a number in the phone book, stirred a drink when I had no spoon and told various people to "come here".~Special thanks to camouflage for being M.I.A in my wardrobe.~Special thanks to shoes for successfully brokering that treaty with the ground and its rocks and stuff.~Special thanks to you for getting the cammo/MIA joke.~Special thanks to Savage Garden for making "like a drink of Cherry Cola" fun to say again.~Special thanks to showering for being the best part of my day. Forgetting to water my plant is a contender but showering, you splish my splash.~Special thanks to Melodrama. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me but I have to let you go now. Just walk away. Shhh. Don't say it. Not like this.~Special thanks to Saddam Hussein for saving me $.37 on Christmas card postage this year.~Special thanks to the E! network for trying to corrupt me.~Special thanks to my nephew for being the coolest thing ever. I'll always be there for you. If it's a log in your eye and not a speck...even if you lose another loan to Ditech, I'm there for you Brodie.~Special thanks to Christmas for doing that thing it does.~Special thanks to Southern Belles. To the victor go the spoils, Confederacy.~Special thanks to New Hampshire for thinking it can hang out with Vermont and Maine. For thinking it's one of the boys. You're so cute, NH.~Special thanks to the Red Hot Chili Peppers for being so devoted to the art of it all that they can't afford shirts.~Eternal thanks to Houghton College's Shenawana Hall. The only thing cooler than a Shen man is his roommate.~Special thanks to Coke and Pepsi for making me a soldier in a war I can win.~Special thanks to Canada. What's going on up there, dude? What are you? Our hat? Thought so. ~Special thanks to Eminem for "losing himself" when it comes to my radio dial. You stay put, slim...stay calm. I'll come to you.~Special thanks to all guys named Jean-luc for teaching this forgetful, unappreciative man how to hate again.~Special thanks to those people who put that dash (-) through the middle of their 7's. Well isn't that special? My, oh my, aren't you precious??! *~Special thanks to Mentos, the freshmaker, for helping me con that old lady out of her life's savings yesterday. Cha-ching. So fresh and full of life!~*Oh and I should spell the word 'gray' - 'grey'? Golly, aren't you just full of great ideas??!!~Special thanks to Dr. Pepper gum for being prit near impossible to find now. If my name were Jason and I had argonauts.....~Special thanks to Proctor Silex for making the only the finest in crappy home appliances.~Special thanks to Jackie Chan for filling the void.~Special thanks to the Mogo Rights Act of 2004 which grants the possibility of Mogohood unto watts of all creeds as long as those watts are boiling.~Special thanks to Bizmarke for calling out shady girls.And you know who you are..."and you say he's just a friend, and you say he's just a friend. Oh, baby please..."~Special thanks to the words "debts", "trespasses" and "sins" for doing more to divide the Church than the devil ever could.~Special thanks to electrical plugs for having one prong that's bigger than the other and for giving to humanity that brief sense of triumph when we can flip it over, one-handed, when trying to plug the radio in behind the dresser. Way to be inexplicable, homes.~Special thanks to Martha Stewart for making me wonder if she was hot when she was younger. ~Special thanks to AAA batteries for being the little runt that always comes in handy. You're my Seaaabiscuit, man.~Special thanks to a dicey vehicle situation. You know it's rugged when you put a mountain bike in the back of your Jeep to serve as an escape pod in case your rig ever breaks down.~Special thanks to soda machines for being hyper-sensitive enough to reject a $1.00 bill that is upside down, backwards, wrinkled or creased but still be kind enough to accept an accidental $5.00 bill and treat it just like a one.~Special thanks to The Clapper for being thee most clever, well-intentioned, genius contraption ever conceived that I have still yet to see in anyone's home.~Special thanks to Father Dowling for showing this mis-guided Protestant that if we can just put aside our centuries of differences, violence and anger and unite!, maybe we can solve the mystery of who stole the murdered old man McCallister. And they will know us by our love and super-sleuthing.~Special thanks to those spoons from Wendy's that they give you for Frosties for just not being quite right.~Special thanks to 20 oz. soda's of all colors and creeds for costing almost as much as a 1/2 gallon of gas when they know full well that I can't go 18 miles on Pepsi or even Pepsi with a twist. Dude, get below a $1.00 again. Go back to your home. This isn't Russia.~Special thanks to Moss for growing on the north side of trees- and quite often on the south, east and west sides too. That little deal might work if I were McGyver, but I'm pretty sure if I ever crash land in Alaska or something I'm just going to burn the trees, and the undergrowth, the spotted owl nests...folks, I'm going to burn the entire mutha down and just walk out.~Special thanks to girls who think it's cute when a guy, before buying them, checks out the pockets on pants to see if they're big enough to smuggle a Chinese food meal into a movie theatre. You complete me.~Special thanks to lamps with 3 light settings, for both teaching and testing my patience all at the same time. Just let me read, man.~Special thanks to Spencer, the little child actor brought in to spice up Special Thanks, because if ST were a sitcom this is totally its 10th season.~Special thanks to gasoline and flea and tick collars for having smells I hate but still can't get enough of.~Special thanks to Spencer for putting his pet frog in my briefcase which jumped out onto the boss's lap just as I was giving my big presentation. SPENCER!!!!!~Special thanks to the term "backpacking through Europe" for being a term I'll always use to mock someone and never use to describe something I've done.~Special thanks to the Captain for wanting me off the case, even though he knows that if I could just catch Santoro I could bring the entire Arken drug cartel to its knees.~Special thanks to soap dispensers that dispense that foam soap stuff for making life worth living again. You are my Zuzu's petals.~Special thanks to Splenda for scaring Sweet & Low stupid.~Special thanks to Heart and Soul for being played on a piano somewhere right now.~Special thanks to my "to do" list: Call Mom and Dad, buy bread, pay car insurance, find out the difference between the Hives, the Vines and the White Stripes.~Special thanks to Dell for buying the rest of the Amazonian rainforest to use for its newspaper inserts.